I’m a relationship girl. From the time I was 17 until now, I have been in back to back serious relationships. Coming into college I thought I would have the experience everyone talks about- the hook-ups, parties and social interactions that most high schoolers only dream about. From the advice my family and friends gave me I pictured myself as a single lady that would revel in meeting new people and having fun. Until I met my (now ex) boyfriend. After meeting the first night in Chico I was cuffed up by night one.
After spending two years in college together we decided it was best we take a break. Ending amicably, I was genuinely excited to spread my little wings and relish in being a single lady; something I had yet to experience in my young adult life. It was a new found opportunity for me to take time for myself and learn how to be more self reliant, to get more in touch with my womanhood and see if I would feel any different without a man in my life. I mean, as Gloria Steinem says, a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
But is it that simple? Can women truly feel the need to not be wanted by men after the constant brainwashing in society that tells us we need them to feel acceptance within ourselves? As someone who identifies strongly as a feminist this has always been a challenge for me. I know my worth does not equate to male adoration. I know that I am complete with or without a male presence in my life. But, I also know that I cannot cancel out the 20 years of being convinced that finding a good husband and meeting a ‘nice guy’ should be at the top of my priority list.
So I did just that. I went out to parties, met new people and (about 23 beers later) I gained some much needed confidence that I can indeed be that independent woman I always knew I had in me. I was having more fun than I had in a long time and found love in other things that made me happy. But, after the weeks set in I started to get an old familiar feeling that didn’t sit well with me and my newfound self assurance. I began to unconsciously attach my self worth to whether or not certain men I am interested in like me or find me appealing. Gross, I know. Granted, this could just be me getting used to not having a partner there to reassure me constantly. As I open up to the other women in my life about my struggles, I come to understand they have the same problem regardless if they are in a relationship or not.
From a young age we learned from Disney Channel and countless romantic comedies that attracting a male’s gaze was something all girls should strive for while growing up. The media depicts the perfect woman (according to men) as smart; but not as smart as him; coy; but not prudish; sexy; but not asking for it.
At the young age of ten I was set up to believe that I and every other girl had to comply to these standards in order to be liked by men. Pre-feminism introduction I covertely, and pathetically wanted to be seen as the seemingly perfect girl-next-door that was every guy’s ideal girl. As sad as it is, it would not surprise me if every woman has felt this way at some point in their adolescence.
Talking to other women about the situation has brought me some closure during this time and knowing that I am not alone in feeling this way is comforting. It’s almost as if we feel successful when we receive attention or a reciprocated feeling from a man we are interested in. The patriarchal society and misogynistic tendencies we have been exposed to for our whole existence has made women believe that success can only be achieved when it comes to being admired by men.
The hardest part of dealing with this is knowing that this validation is completely false. Most of my early years of college were dedicated to me scraping away the belief that men are important little by little as I learned about the true meaning of feminism. I was tired of living in a male-dominated society that set unrealistic expectations for women that I would never be able (nor want to) conform to so I set out to find confidence in myself.
The image above is a photo of a (slightly unfinished) painting I made for my Men, Women & the Media class I took my sophomore year here at Chico State. That class only furthered my passion for feminism, helping me develop so much of my voice regarding my gender identity. This painting was inspired by statements that had been said to me growing up, and I asked the women in my life to contribute by painting comments made to them that affected them while finding their voice as a woman. I wanted to highlight how many common phrases we use everyday that directly undermine women as human beings. But, despite these comments women will always stand strong against the patriarchy and link together to inspire change.
As much as I wish I could forget about the years of brainwashing that led me to believe I needed to feel validated by men to be happy, I know that it is still a learning process and will continue to be for years to come. If anything I like to see it as an unlearning process. Sometimes in life we have to unlearn lessons we were taught at an early age in order to grow as people.
Ladies, how do you deal with the need to feel adoration from men while carrying such strong feminist values? Let’s exchange ideas in the comments!
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